We Laugh When Old People Fall
by Ashelyn De Winter
Summary: Yuffie grins. “So, what's on the agenda for tonight?” she inquires. “Asking old ladies for sexual favors, making drunken phone calls, throwing bricks at innocent bystanders?”
1. Adios, Motherfucker

Warnings: There may be some strong language and gayness. Read at your own risk.

Disclaimer: I don't own any Kingdom Hearts characters, blah blah blah.

* * *

**Adios, Motherfucker**

VVV

It's three in the morning and the ninja is on the prowl, throwing stars and breaking hearts. Or rather, breaking Heart_less_. Sleep is a waste of time, and Yuffie would much rather embrace the night, honing her hunting skills. The sharp, wet sound as her weapon plunges into the monsters' dark flesh is almost therapeutic, despite the fact that every moment spent in their presence is another chance for them to steal her heart.

Just as she finishes off another wave, she notices a person sitting at the edge of a building nearby. Yuffie is sure that she left Aerith, Cloud, and Leon snoozing away at Merlin's-- who could be out at this time of night? She squints, struggling to discern the person's features. All she can see is the slightest glint of silver hair and a bar of sea-salt ice cream, seemingly floating amidst the muddled shades of black. Then she realizes why it's so difficult to make him out. He wears a black cloak, the uniform of the Organization.

_That ice cream eating fiend! _Yuffie stealthily ducks and rolls to where the figure sits. She's alone, but with the element of surprise she could surely take him on. She's the Great Ninja Yuffie, is she not?

"DIE!" Yuffie roars as she swings her shuriken at the back of the stranger's neck. He dodges it with ease, not even turning around to face his attacker.

"What?" she says, astounded. "I told you to die! Don't just ignore me!" She swings again, and he dodges again. "What's your problem?! You're supposed to be evil or something! You're not going to at least _try _and attack me?" No response. Yuffie growls, and karate chops the boy's head out of frustration. He doesn't even flinch.

"Go away," the boy chokes out with a sniffle.

"Are you _crying_?" Yuffie kneels beside him and cranes her head around to see his face. He turns away and wipes his nose on his sleeve. "Oh my GAWD, you are!"

"No, I'm not. Leave me alone."

"What's the matter? Did one of your nobody cronies hurt your feelings?" she sneers. "Or maybe the Organization gave you the boot."

"I'm not part of the Organization."

"Your clothes tell a different story."

"All I wanted to do was..." The boy squeezes a handful of the black fabric until his knuckles grow white. "All I wanted to do was save Sora."

Now, where did Yuffie hear that before?

"You're Riku, aren't you?" She sits down and examines his face. It's paleness and ethereal glow rival that of the moon. A single strip of black fabric slices it in half.

"How do you know my name?" Riku asks, wiping any lingering moisture from his cheeks. Through his damp blindfold, he stares blankly at the boisterous ninja girl who has so suddenly transformed from psychotic to concerned.

"Sora used to talk about you all the time. Used to ask everyone he met, 'Have you seen my friends Riku and Kairi?' It got pretty annoying." She laughs, though she definitely isn't one to talk.

"Yeah, that sounds sounds like him." He smiles slightly, remembering his old friend.

"So why were you crying?"

"I wasn't crying," he retorts, licking away at his ice cream.

"Why were you _upset_?"

Riku thinks for a moment. Should he tell her? He doesn't see any downside, besides looking like a total idiot. He probably won't ever see her again, anyway.

So he tells her everything. He tells her about the island, about the jealousy and darkness festering in his heart and everything in between. He tells her about his comatose friend and his failure to reunite him with his 'other'. He tells her about his plan for the rematch, about his shame and regret.

Yuffie is the first to break the silence.

"Hey." She swings her feet impatiently, peering at the sulking figure to her right. His ice cream droops, mirroring his posture. "Hey, Riku."

"... What?"

"Your ice cream is melting." Right on cue, a stray droplet drips onto his hand. His silver waterfall hair spills over his shoulders as he hastily licks away at the popsicle.

"Kind of symbolic of your life, doncha think?" she says, grinning at the waning starlight. The horizon starts to blaze to life with the coming of dawn. "You try to act all cool, but when the heat is on all you can do is melt." She giggles at her pun.

"Are you making fun of me?"

"That's what happens when you start angsting to random strangers at three in the morning." The cloaked boy tosses his ice cream and rises to his feet.

"I should go." He slinks into the shadows, and Yuffie feels a tinge of guilt for maybe going too far. She never knows what to say, except to make light of the situation.

"It was just a joke, gawd! How can you even see with that stupid blindfold on?" she calls after him. The darkness has swallowed him; all that's left are his fading footsteps.

"No one ever said you had to save Sora, you know," she says softly. "Not like this." The footsteps cease. "Besides, it would be a shame if you took on Ansem's form! That guy looks like a burnt Sephiroth!" She doesn't add the fact that Riku is the most beautiful boy she's ever seen.

"Thanks for listening." He chuckles.

"If you're _really_ grateful, you'll stop by the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee Headquarters. You know, renovate the castle, slay a few thousand heartless..." Yuffie twirls her shuriken. "Nothing I'm sure you can't handle. We'll be at Rising Falls tomorrow."

"Maybe."

A sliver of sun begins to peek over a mountaintop, and Riku disappears with the night.

* * *

Even though Yuffie insists that sleep is a waste of time, that sure doesn't keep her from lying in bed until noon. Today is an especially lazy day, considering the fact that she shattered her record of three o'clock. She was going strong on her way to five until Cid took it upon himself to finally fulfill his frequently employed threat of "kicking her scrawny ass out of bed." Literally.

"OW!" Yuffie shouts as she hits the ground. "What the hell is your problem, old man?!"

"We're not feeding you so that you can snore all goddamn day. Get your lazy ass up and get to work."

After silently vowing to destroy him, Yuffie gets dressed and heads out to Rising Falls. The committee has been slowly encroaching the castle for a few months now, and today they are about to get one step closer. Yuffie smiles in anticipation. Once the reconstruction is complete, she plans on claiming a wing of the castle for herself. Not to say that Merlin hasn't been perfectly hospitable, despite the fact that he has a band of moody teenagers raiding his refrigerator every night. He even used his magic to add on rooms to accommodate each committee member. But the ninja is sick of rooming with Angst and Angstier, not to mention that grumpy old guy. Besides, she likes taking things that aren't hers.

However, they have to eradicate the Heartless infesting the castle and its surrounding areas (Rising Falls, for example) before they even begin to think about renovating. Fortunately, Yuffie finds the blue, crystalline valley surprisingly empty by the time she arrives. She should sleep all day more often.

"That was fast," Yuffie hops onto the platform where her friends are working. And by working I mean sunbathing.

"It was like this when we got here," Aerith replies in between sips of her iced tea. "It's like all the Heartless just vanished overnight." The woman sits daintily beside Cloud, who is sprawled out in the sun like a cat.

"Where's the others?"

"Leon is out scouting for any stragglers. Cid is back at headquarters, doing some computer work."

"Well, I knew the latter." Yuffie scowls, remembering her rude awakening.

She turns and looks up at the inverted waterfalls, suddenly reminded of Riku's long silver hair. What is he up to? Did he already leave, off to awaken Sora and assume the guise of darkness? Has he already shed his silver waterfall hair?

Yuffie hopes not.

"Hey, did you guys see anyone?" she asks.

"Oh, yes. I saw lots of people. Let's see, when I woke up I saw Merlin, Cid, and Leon. And then when I stopped by the store I saw the cashier-- you know, the one with that weird mole. Then I ran into Scrooge Mcduck, who wanted me to try his newest ice cream, but I couldn't because the Gullwings stole my wallet and I had to track them down and give them a good spanking first. Oh, and of course there's Cloud over there," she prattles. Whether she's being sarcastic or just stupid, her cheery demeanor certainly doesn't show it.

"No, I mean..." Yuffie sighs. "Nevermind." She would have already told her if a mysterious, cloaked stranger came to lend a helping hand.

"You're being particularly enigmatic today."

"Yuffie, why don't you go help Leon? You know, in case some Heartless show up," Cloud finally speaks, shifting on his bed of rock.

"You just want me to leave so you and Aerith can MAKE OUT!"

"YUFFIE," Cloud says darkly. Aerith ignores her comment and drinks her tea, though she certainly wouldn't mind the prospect.

"Fine, fine. I'll go. But poor Squall's heart will be broken when he hears about this." Before Cloud can strike her, Yuffie uses her super mega awesome ninja skills to poof out of sight. But she has no plans to aide Leon as suggested, unless getting plastered at Tifa's Seventh Heaven magically exterminates Heartless or reconstructs buildings. In Yuffie's experience, it was always quite the opposite.

"Goofing off again, Miss Yuffie?" Tifa asks, polishing a beer mug. The teenager skips into the cozy pub, savoring the atmosphere thick with grease and alcohol. It's empty except for a few regulars, drinking and chatting in the corner.

"Not technically." She sits at the bar. "You have any of that radioactive stuff you gave me last time?" The liquid was bright blue, and it was _glowing_. At least, it looked that way to her in that particular state of mind. It went down her throat like nails.

"You mean the Chocobo Voodoo or the Adios Motherfucker?" Yuffie giggles. It'll be worth having to down that acid again after hearing kind, sweet Tifa say the drink name.

"The second one."

"One Adios Motherfucker, coming right up!" She bursts out into laughter.

As Tifa busies herself behind the bar, Cid stomps in and takes a seat next to Yuffie.

"Run away already, ya old grouch?" Yuffie says. Though Cid is always first to volunteer for any computer work, he has a tendency to abuse the delicate hardware whenever it malfunctions. That is to say, he punches it whenever it takes too long to load something. Afterward, he always hides out at Tifa's to avoid Leon's wrath for breaking yet another computer and thus compromising both Hollow Bastion's defense system and the committee's wallet. But no matter what Cid does he always ends up drunkenly cowering in the corner by the end of the night with Leon's gunblade to his neck. Yuffie chuckles just thinking about it.

"Shaddup," the blond man snaps, propping his elbows up on the bar.

"I'll be with you in just minute, Cid," Tifa says, mixing Yuffie's concoction.

"Just gimme that whiskey over there." He points to a caramel colored bottle on the shelf, and the voluptuous bartender delivers it to him. His features start to soften with the first swig.

"So, what's on the agenda for tonight?" Yuffie asks him with a grin. "Asking old ladies for sexual favors, making prank calls, throwing bricks at innocent bystanders?"

Cid pries his lips away from his beloved bottle just long enough to say three words. "... Cloud and Leon."

"Huh?" She draws a blank at Cid's cryptic comment. After thinking a moment, a look of devilish enlightenment flashes in her eyes. "Ooh, I get it. I like how you think."

Yuffie doesn't mind Cid so much when he's drunk (or, in this case, getting there). Besides softening his perpetually furrowed brows, the alcohol gives him a level of obnoxiousness even she could admire. Even if it is involuntary. Her cheeks hurt from laughing so much the night he decided to go door to door and wish everyone a merry Christmas. And while a neighbor's warm wishes are appreciated during the holiday season, Cid learned that night that that wasn't so much the case in the middle of July.

"Here you go, hon." Tifa slides a neon blue drink Yuffie's way. After a few cautious sniffs, the teenage girl greedily imbibes it. "You want me to mix you anything, Cid?"

"Just give me whatever she's having."

"You got it. One more Adios Motherfucker, coming right up!" Yuffie spews her drink. Oh yes, she can already tell that tonight is going to be beautiful.

_Cloud and Squallikins are never gonna see this one coming..._


	2. Trapped In A Closet

It's a little choppy and it might seem sort of random at times, but it all comes full circle at the end. Expect lots of craziness and capital letters.

There's a reference to Don LaFontaine later in the chapter. In case you don't know who he was, he was an American voiceover artist famous for recording thousands of film trailers, television advertisements, network promotions, and video game trailers. I doubt you've never heard his trademark deep voice.

* * *

**Trapped In A Closet**

"I will destroy you."

"Not if I destroy you first."

Leon pinches the bridge of his nose. The situation isn't looking very good; his severely diminished army is completely surrounded by Cloud's troops. If he doesn't make the right move, his home base is just one step away from being overtaken.

"King me," Cloud announces with satisfaction as he advances to the edge of the checker board.

"No way! It was still my turn!"

"You were taking too long. Besides, you were going to lose either way."

The rest of the day went by without incident. No other Heartless showed up, and Cloud and Aerith spent the majority of their time making small talk while Leon searched for danger. Of course, there was the fact that Yuffie and Cid mysteriously disappeared, but no one really cared. Except for Leon, who was waiting for Cid to return so he could cover him with paper cuts and drown him in a vat of lemon juice for breaking the computer again. He was content to just sit in the dark all night so he could greet the drunken pilot with The Omnipresent Voice From Hell, but Cloud came to him with a proposal he couldn't resist. Checkers: the loser has to paint himself purple and run through the streets naked screaming, 'Children taste best when sprinkled with November morning dew!"

"You'd better start stripping," Cloud says with a smirk.

"You cheated. I win by default." Leon folds his arms.

"Like I said, you were going to lose either way. Now take it off."

"I find your fascination with my naked body disturbing."

Yuffie can easily see through that lie.

"Hey," she says cheerfully as she walks in from the hall. It takes every ounce of her concentration to keep from running into a wall; even with her ninja grace, that Adios Motherfucker did a real number on her coordination. "Can one of you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"I have a really bad headache, but the pain killers in the hall closet are on the top shelf-- too high up for me to reach." She looks up at the to men innocently. "Think you can help me out?"

"I'll do it," Cloud says, rising from his seat. He turns to Leon. "Don't move. Your clothes _will_ come off, even if I have to do it myself."

He cringes, realizing the implications of his statement. The two swordsmen glance at Yuffie, whose eyes are sparkling in amusement.

"In a completely humiliating, non-gay way," Cloud adds.

He follows her into the impressive walk-in closet (thank you, magic) full of potions and elixirs and whatnot. Not the healing kind, mind you, but the poisonous, soporific, forgetful, and occasionally love-inducing kind. Why Merlin decided to put poodle transformation potions where they could easily mistaken for Aspirin is beyond them.

"It's right over there. All the way at the end." Yuffie points to a row of bottles on a shelf inches away from the ceiling. He walks over and reaches for it, but to no avail.

"Hm. It looks like you're too short. HEY, LEON!"

"No, I can do it. Don't call that prick over here," Cloud says, jumping on his toes and stretching until his joints ache. Despite the towering appearance his gravity-defying hair grants him, he's actually an inch shorter than Leon. And he hates it. There's no way he's going to give him this opportunity to rub it in his face.

"Who's a prick?" Leon leans on the door frame, looking on smugly as Cloud frantically reaches for the medication. "Looks like you need some help there."

"No... I... Do... N---" Before he can finish his sentence, Leon has reached up and grabbed the painkillers.

"Here you go, Yuffie." He turns to hand the teenage girl her beloved pills, only to find that she has vanished.

The door creaks closed at the far end of the closet, plunging them into darkness.

"YUFFIE!"

"Oh, no. I think the lock is broken!" Yuffie says on the other side of the door, fumbling with the doorknob. She high fives Cid, and they both burst into laughter.

"This isn't funny. Let us out!" Cloud growls.

"I don't hit girls, but I can make an exception for you. You too, Cid! Don't think I can't hear you!" Leon bangs on the door in fury.

"I don't think you're in any position to make demands, Squallikins."

"You two have fun getting to know each other in there while me and Yuffie get into some shenanigans," Cid says, lighting a cigarette.

"Shenanigans!" Yuffie twirls around and stumbles into a table.

"LET US OUT!" the two men shout, throwing their bodies on the door like caged animals.

"Buh-bye, now." With that, Yuffie and Cid stagger outside.

Let the chaos to ensue.

* * *

Tifa is a prize and she knows it. Not only do her breasts fit snugly inside a D-cup, she can get get you drunk in 356 different ways. She's sweet, she's beautiful, and she's got a mean right hook. Break her heart and she'll kick your ass.

Unfortunately, she hasn't had to do any ass-kicking as of late. Not to say that she hasn't had many suitors; on the contrary, her sex appeal has the Seventh Heaven packed every night. But she politely rejects every advance, every wolf whistle, every drunken love confession. Still, few give up. Some believe her to be a lesbian, but when asked she simply says this:

"I like a guy with a big sword." Interpret that however you want.

But what she really means is, "I'm still in love with Cloud, despite his alarming amount of emotional baggage and shriveled libido."

Tifa sighs, lets her hands shake and stir and pass out drinks mechanically. She knows he had feelings for her when they were children, before she had boobs and a bar. But something changed along the way. She always chalks it up to borderline schizophrenia and Mako poisoning, but after more than ten years she's starting to wonder if there's something seriously wrong with that boy. Will he ever even consider her?

"Hey, who do I have to hurt to get a drink around here?"

"O-oh, sorry!" Tifa says, bringing her attention back to the bar. She swivels her head from side to side looking for the source of the voice, but sees nothing but satisfied customers happily chatting away.

"Up here."

She looks up to see the Gullwings hovering above her head.

"Now, as I was saying," Paine continues, "I want a Blue Balls on the rocks. Now."

"Be nice, Paine." Rikku giggles.

"And I would like a Faerie Fizz, please." Yuna says.

"Yeah, yeah! Me too!" The blonde flips through the air.

"Don't you guys think you're a little too..." Tifa looks the trio up and down, trying to think of the right word. High strung? Ditzy? "... _small_ to be drinking?"

"What, is there a minimum height for alcohol now?" Paine crosses her arms.

"Are you even old enough?"

"Of course!" Yuna puts her hands on her hips in indignation.

"Do you have an I.D.?" Tifa presses on in exasperation.

"Uh..." The Gullwings exchange glances.

"Ooh! I have one!" Rikku pulls out a card and raises it above her head in triumph. Tifa takes it from her and examines it.

"This is Aerith's Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee membership card."

"Uh... No it's not?"

Tifa leans over the counter, resting her chin in her hands. An unsettling thought just came to mind. Could it be Aerith? Could she be the reason why Cloud has been so distant all these years? It had crossed her mind that the flower girl might have a thing for him, but she always considered her more of a friend than a threat. After all, Tifa is more woman than Aerith in more ways than one. Two, to be precise. But enough of the ridiculously huge bust references; the point is, Tifa is baffled as to how Cloud could brush off her feelings for so long. And it infuriates her to think that a giggling woman with a penchant for pink could be the reason why.

"Someone forgot to take their happy pills," Paine comments. Tifa looks down and blushes. Without realizing it, she had begun to rip her dish rag in half.

"Oops, sorry." Tifa sighs once more. "Boy problems."

"You know what would help with that?" the dark fairy asks.

"What?"

"Serving my drink."

"Hey, I'm an expert on boys!" Yuna declares, ignoring Paine's snide remark. "Maybe I can help?"

"Um, Yunie? You've only had one boyfriend. And he was fourteen," Rikku points out.

"And it was a beautiful relationship," she replies, turning back to Tifa. "Tell me all your troubles. I'll be sure to know just the solution!"

"Here we go..." Paine grumbles.

The bartender looks up at the fairy skeptically. It would at least be nice to have someone to vent to. She obviously can't discuss this matter with Aerith, and every time she complains to Yuffie she only giggles and reasons that Cloud only has eyes for 'Squallie-poo'. Ha! As if.

"Well, you know how when you like a guy and you're not really sure if he likes you but you're too afraid to ask or make a move so you just end up admiring him from afar for upwards of ten years while you slowly die inside?"

"... Nope," the Gullwings chorus.

"Well, I do. And now I think there might be another woman..."

"Oh, no! That's just terrible!" Yuna exclaims, flitting to Tifa's side and placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I know exactly how you feel. I felt so awful when I thought Tidus was cheating."

"How did it work out?"

"Oh, it turns out that it was just his evil twin." She smiles. Tifa wishes she could conjure a huge anime sweat drop.

"Hey, I know just the thing to cheer you up!" Rikku says. "DRESS UP!"

"That's a great idea!"

"Er, that's okay. I have customers I need to take care of," Tifa says.

"HEY, DRUNK PEOPLE!" Rikku shouts with admirable vocal power. "WHO WANTS TO SEE TIFA PLAY DRESS UP?!"

The bar explodes with cheers and wolf whistles.

"I'm going to need some alcohol for this," Paine says.

* * *

"This is all your fault, you know."

"And how is that?"

"If you had just painted yourself purple and ran through the streets naked screaming, 'Children taste best when sprinkled with November morning dew!' like you were _supposed _to, Yuffie would have never tricked us into this situation."

"Are you still stuck on that?"

"Yes. Yes I am."

Leon and Cloud sit in the darkness of the hallway closet. They tried kicking, screaming, and politely asking the door to open, but no matter what they do it won't budge. To make matters worse, Aerith has been known to sleep through Heartless invasions and Merlin made sure to sound-proof his room for those noisier nights amongst his guests. No one is letting them out any time soon.

"Goddammit!" Leon punches the wall in frustration. A bottle overhead comes crashing down, shattering.

"Nice one."

Leon puts a palm to his face, ruminating the absolute hopelessness that is his life.

"If only you'd admitted defeat," Cloud sighs.

"Would you shut the hell up?!" he shouts.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know it was that time of the month," Cloud sneers. "Though I guess I'd be pretty mad too if my mom hated me enough to name me 'Squall'."

"Like 'Cloud' is that much better. Does your mother always name her children after inanimate objects? What's your sister's name, chair?" Leon retorts.

"Yeah, but we just call her Chairy," the blond man says with a shrug.

"Your mom is so fat she sat on the rainbow and made Skittles."

"Dude." Cloud stares at Leon in disbelief. "That is _so_ old."

"Er... Your mom is so fat--"

"Your mom is so ugly, when she was born her parents got an apology letter from the condom factory. Your mom is so fat, I ran around her twice and I got lost. Your mom is so old, I told her to act her age and she died. Your mom is so stupid--"

"At least I'm not compensating for a small penis with a sword that's taller than me!" Leon blurts out. Cloud raises his brows.

"I think I'm going to have to disagree with that."

"Of course you do."

"Want me to prove it?"

"By all means."

Leon doesn't quite comprehend the predicament those words have gotten him into until precisely three minutes later, when his ears are blushing and Cloud is proving him so, so wrong.

* * *

"When you walk away you don't hear me say, 'Pleeeeaaaase, oh baby, don't go!' " Cid wails in his vomit-inducing rendition of Utada Hikaru's hit song.

"Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight," Yuffie sings in an equally awful manner, swinging from street lamp to street lamp. "It's haaard to let it go!"

After the grand finale, the drunken comrades sit under the hazy lamplight, letting the crisp breeze pique their muddled senses. Both know that they could do little more than point and laugh if a Heartless were to attack them in this state. Neither care.

"Don't ya think that's kind of cheating?" Yuffie asks.

"What?"

"Rhyming 'go' with 'go'?" Cid thinks for a moment.

"... What?" Either that man is insanely drunk, or Yuffie's ADD is contagious.

"Hey, look! It's a moogle!" the brunette shouts, pointing to the mole-bat across the street. Yeah, I'm going to go with the latter. "Let's go torment it!"

Cid and Yuffie stumble over to their victim with a devious gleam in their eyes.

"Hey, hot stuff. Wanna have a good time?" Yuffie says with the gait of forty-year-old prostitute.

The moogle looks up at her as if to say, 'WTF LMAO!'

"If I said you have a nice body, would ya hold it against me?" the pilot says, poking the moogle's red nose. It makes a satisfying squeak.

"Touch me again and I will not hesitate to smite you," the moogle says in an uncharacteristically deep voice.

"Holy fucking shit! It's the ghost of Don LaFontaine!" Cid yells. "RUN! HE'S GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL!" While her companion runs around in circles fleeing an invisible predator, Yuffie fixes her sight on the Moogle's pom pom.

So... Fluffy... Must... Touch...

"Your friend isn't the brightest, is he?" the creature says as he watches Cid in amusement. Its eyes widen as it turns its attention to Yuffie's outstretched hand. "Hey, w-what do you think you're doing? Don't even--"

Before it can even finish its sentence, she wraps her fingers around its pom pom and gives it a good hard tug. For a moment, all the moogle can do is glower at her in silence. Then:

"YOU DARE TUG MY POM POM, FOOLISH MORTAL?!"

Out of the shadows emerge hordes moogles, wielding shanks and crow-bars. Sobered, Yuffie and Cid exchange worried glances.

"God fuckin' dammit, Yuffie."

* * *

"Well," Leon clears his throat, breaking the silence, "I believe you."

Cloud zips up his fly and arrogantly flips his hair. The two look like they were hit by a tornado, and after their little 'encounter', the closet looks like it was, too. Shards of glass bottles litter the floor, along with bubbling puddles of their contents. Leon prays he doesn't wake up a poodle in the morning.

"You know, this really puts things in perspective. If Yuffie and Cid hadn't locked us in here, we never would have, well... you know." Cloud clears his throat, and Leon nods. It had been awkward and clumsy. All fifteen minutes of it.

But damn, was it good.

"Maybe I won't kill them after all," Leon says.

Cloud grins, leaning back on the door. "So, are you up for another rou-- whoa!" The door flings open behind him, sending him to the ground. Both men stare at their escape route in shock.

Those bastards didn't even lock the door!

"You know... I do kind of miss all the excitement of having human prey," Cloud says, recalling his employment under Hades.

The blond and the brunet are out the front door with their respective weapons in hand before you can even say 'pissed-off emos out for bloody revenge'.

"So, uh, what now?"

Leon shrugs.

"EAT CID FIRST! HE'LL FEED MORE PEOPLE!" a voice cries from the distance. Two blurs whiz past them, followed by an angry mob of moogle thugs.

"There they are!" Cloud and Leon take chase, pushing through droves of mole-bats.

"CID! I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES AND STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM!" Leon yells, "THEN I'M GOING TO HIRE A CULT TO RESSURECT YOU SO I CAN PUSH YOU DOWN AN UP EXCALATOR AND LET YOU FALL FOR ALL ETERNITY LIKE THE ASSHOLE YOU ARE!"

"Er..." Cloud stares at him, shocked by his outburst. "Uh, yeah! AND I'LL BE DOING THE SAME TO YUFFIE!"

"Hey, Cid," Yuffie says up ahead. "Don't you think those voices are kind of familiar?"

Cid, panting and wheezing, glances back. At the lead of the furious mob of furries is their sword-toting roommates, out for murder.

"That's 'cause it's Leon and Cloud!" he squeaks, increasing his pace.

"Eeeeek!"

Meanwhile, back at the bar...

"Wow, guys," Tifa says, admiring her new threads. The entirety of her male patrons crowd around to watch as she spins around in her outlandish costume, complete with a miniskirt and a witch hat. What with her exposed legs and abdomen, it's a bit more revealing than she's used to. "It's kinda drafty..."

"Oh, you'll get used to that," Yuna reassures her.

"You know, this has been really fun. Thank you," Tifa says. "I never would have guessed that..." She trails off as Yuffie and Cid burst into the bar.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" the ninja screams.

Cloud and Leon file in after her, followed by a swarm of armed moogles. Tifa's customers take Yuffie's advice and begin screaming and jumping out the windows at the sight of the numerous swords, shanks, and crow bars (along with their wielders' malicious intent). The Gullwings follow suit, wisely concluding that angry moogles equal death.

Cornered, Yuffie and Cid tremble in fright as their pursuers stare them down.

"There's no where left to run," Leon says, preparing to strike. Cloud swipes at the air with his gigantic sword.

"Don't hurt me! It was all Cid's idea!" Yuffie curls up into a little ball and covers the back of her neck like she learned to do in earthquake drills.

"Shaddup, ya tattletale!" Cid snaps.

"Vengeance shall be ours!" the moogles declare in unison.

"Hold up, hold up. What's going on here?" Tifa says, standing on the bar. The arguing ceases as all eyes fall upon her. There is a tense silence.

"Silence, witch! Justice is at hand!" a moogle yells. She looks down at her risqué costume and blushes furiously. Cloud and Leon forget their rage for a moment and begin snickering. "This harpy dared to tug our comrade's pom pom! The moogle community will not endure this insolence; we demand retribution!"

"Yeah, and she and Cid locked us in a closet!" Cloud chimes in.

"Save me, Tifa!" Yuffie pleads, making herself even smaller.

"You're right," Tifa says, trying her best to look benevolent and intimidating despite her attire. "You have every right to rip out their intestines and strangle them with them, then to hire a cult to resurrect them so you can push them down an up escalator and let them fall for all eternity like the assholes they are."

"What?!" Yuffie and Cid shriek.

"But what would revenge really accomplish? Would it un-tug your pom pom? Would it un-lock you in the closet?"

"No. But it would make us feel better," Cloud says.

"The witch speaks the truth," a moogle says. "Revenge will not garner respect. It will will only bring fear. We will bestow a punishment fitting for this girl's crime; one that does not entail bodily harm."

The creatures murmur in a agreement. Tifa sighs in relief; so they won't be staining her floor with blood after all. One moogle steps forward from the crowd.

"This is the moogle you have wronged. From today on, you will be his bitch."


End file.
